Here describing his relationship with a man
Book 3: 1: For this cause my soul was sickly and full of sores,
it miserably cast itself forth, desiring to be scraped by the
touch of objects of sense. Yet if these had not a soul, they would
not be objects of love. To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet
to me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved,
I defiled, therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth
of concupiscence, and I beclouded its brightness with the hell
of lustfulness; and thus foul and unseemly, I would fan, through
exceeding vanity, be fine and courtly. I fell headlong then into
the love wherein I longed to be ensnared. My God, my Mercy, with
how much gall didst Thou out of Thy great goodness besprinkle
for me that sweetness? For I was both beloved, and secretly arrived
at the bond of enjoying; and was with joy fettered with sorrow-bringing
bonds, that I might be scourged with the iron burning rods of
jealousy, and suspicions, and fears, and angers, and quarrels.
Book 4: 6-8 In those years when I first began to teach rhetoric
in my native town, I had made one my friend, but too dear to me,
from a community of pursuits, of mine own age, and, as myself,
in the first opening flower of youth. He had grown up as a child
with me, and we had been both school-fellows and play-fellows.
But he was not yet my friend as afterwards, nor even then, as
true friendship is; for true it cannot be, unless in such as Thou
cementest together, cleaving unto Thee, by that love which is
shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto
us. Yet was it but too sweet, ripened by the warmth of kindred
studies: for, from the true faith (which he as a youth had not
soundly and thoroughly imbibed), I had warped him also to those
superstitious and pernicious fables, for which my mother bewailed
me. With me he now erred in mind, nor could my soul be without
him. But behold Thou wert close on the steps of Thy fugitives,
at once God of vengeance, and Fountain of mercies, turning us
to Thyself by wonderful means; Thou tookest that man out of this
life, when he had scarce filled up one whole year of my friendship,
sweet to me above all sweetness of that my life.
Who can recount all Thy praises, which he hath felt in his one
self? What diddest Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is
the abyss of Thy judgments? For long, sore sick of a fever, he
lay senseless in a death-sweat; and his recovery being despaired
of, he was baptized, unknowing; myself meanwhile little regarding,
and presuming that his soul would retain rather what it had received
of me, not what was wrought on his unconscious body. But it proved
far otherwise: for he was refreshed, and restored. Forthwith,
as soon as I could speak with him (and I could, so soon as he
was able, for I never left him, and we hung but too much upon
each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he would jest
with me at that baptism which he had received, when utterly absent
in mind and feeling, but had now understood that he had received.
But he so shrunk from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful
and sudden freedom bade me, as I would continue his friend, forbear
such language to him. I, all astonished and amazed, suppressed
all my emotions till he should grow well, and his health were
strong enough for me to deal with him as I would. But he was taken
away from my frenzy, that with Thee he might be preserved for
my comfort; a few days after in my absence, he was attacked again
by the fever, and so departed. At this grief my heart was utterly
darkened; and whatever I beheld was death. My native country was
a torment to me, and my father's house a strange unhappiness;
and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, became a distracting
torture. Mine eyes sought him every where, but he was not granted
them; and I hated all places, for that they had not him; nor could
they now tell me, "he is coming," as when he was alive
and absent. I became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my
soul, why she was so sad, and why she disquieted me sorely: but
she knew not what to answer me. And if I said, Trust in God, she
very rightly obeyed me not; because that most dear friend, whom
she had lost, was, being man, both truer and better than that
phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears were sweet to me,
for they succeeded my friend, in the dearest of my affections.
Book 4: 10 ...Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound
by the friendship of perishable things; he is torn asunder when
he loses them, and then he feels the wretchedness which he had
ere yet he lost them. So was it then with me; I wept most bitterly,
and found my repose in bitterness. Thus was I wretched, and that
wretched life I held dearer than my friend. For though I would
willingly have changed it, yet was I more unwilling to part with
it than with him; yea, I know not whether I would have parted
with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned) of Pylades
and Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other or
together, not to live together being to them worse than death.
But in me there had arisen some unexplained feeling, too contrary
to this, for at once I loathed exceedingly to live and feared
to die. I suppose, the more I loved him, the more did I hate,
and fear (as a most cruel enemy) death, which had bereaved me
of him: and I imagined it would speedily make an end of all men,
since it had power over him. Thus was it with me, I remember.
Behold my heart, O my God, behold and see into me; for well I
remember it, O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of
such affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking
my feet out of the snare. For I wondered that others, subject
to death, did live, since he whom I loved, as if he should never
die, was dead; and I wondered yet more that myself, who was to
him a second self, could live, he being dead. Well said one of
his friend, "Thou half of my soul"; for I felt that
my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies":
and therefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not
live halved. And therefore perchance I feared to die, lest he
whom I had much loved should die wholly.
Source.
From: Augustince, Confessions, [from electronic text archives at CCAT.SAS.UPENN.EDU]
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